Nobody knows how it came to be named after St. Valentine, a historically obscure figure who may have been a Christian priest martyred by the Romans. Valentine’s day could be the brainchild of Chaucer, who first associated the Pagan feast day with romantic love.
I’ve had first dates lately, calculated meetups often orginating on-line. It’s a chance for the two of us to size each other up, palpitate each other’s intentions, grope each other verbally.
First dates learned me a few. Like the one married to her dog. Spent an hour talking of her fifteen-year-old dog who could die anytime. Spent every night with the dog, in the bed. Excused myself as soon as I could, I’m not looking for a threesome.
Then there’s the date who oozes desperation, the one who, when you offer your hand, throws her arms around you. I back away and promise to call, knowing that I won’t. A word to the wise: never give out your cell number and email until at least date number three.
I’ve made dating mishaps too. I thought I was over the flu; I really did. Thought it was okay to put on makeup, board the train and head for the cafe to see the woman I met online. Everything went fine for twenty minutes. My throat dried up. I began to cough, so I popped a cough drop. Gamely suppressed the coughs welling up like sea monsters of the deep.
Finally I pantomimed to my concerned date that I needed to leave, stat. Red as a beet, I handed her my card and choked, “Thanks for the cough drop,” before racing out. Once in the street, I hacked up phlegm and decided to take another day off of work.
The next day I e-mailed the woman, said that I didn’t realize how sick I was, and thanked her. Of course I didn’t expect to see her again, who would want to date someone who can’t stop coughing? She e-mailed to contact her if I wanted to meet again. The ball is in the cougher’s court.
Finally, a word about duck love. It seems that female ducks have vaginas twisted the opposite way from the male duck (drake). Not only that, but duck vaginas have “twists, pouches and dead ends” to prevent the male’s sprem from fertilizing her eggs. Turns out that 40% of duck copulations are rapes by male ducks. Most females are pair-bonded, so the twisted vagina is her way to “fight back” by preventing fertilization.
The lessons of duck love are simple. Don’t drake and drive? “The findings suggest because there’s such a poor fit between the male and female genitals, that female ducks have to mostly be relaxed and willing for mating to succeed.” Good advice for any lover. Coming soon: The Mallard Monologues.
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Sources
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Valentine
http://www.cosmosmagazine.com/node/1277
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